


primadonna life

by Aksinya (Mariallegra)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Past Infidelity, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-17 02:34:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11842164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariallegra/pseuds/Aksinya
Summary: Kinky Shalaska angst/smut. Vaguely inspired by “The T” and Alaska talking about how it came out of her state of mind between All Stars filming and airing, where she had all these things she felt like she couldn’t talk about and finally just put them all in “a Wikileaks data dump of a song.” Set in 2016 on the BOTS tour. Contains mentions of Sharon’s fiance and Alaska’s ex who leaked the AS2 results.





	primadonna life

**Author's Note:**

> please heed the tags! <3 comments/feedback very welcomed.

Alaska’s face in the hotel mirror peers back at her, all ratty blonde hair and black-rimmed eyes. She picks up a sponge from her makeup bag and reaches up to start wiping away her face, but she thinks better of it and sets it down again with a sigh. She reaches for the bottle of water next to her sponges and jar of Albolene and takes a long cold drink, reaching up to start to unravel the pieces of hair piled on top of her head.

Alaska doesn’t know what’s wrong with her the last little while. Well, in a way she guesses she does. She’s had a dark cloud of uncertainty hanging over her for months, ever since All Stars finished filming and there was nothing more she could do for herself. She’s wanted this for so long, ever since she’d submitted her very first audition tape and then found out she didn’t get on the show. And now she can’t relax. She has to spend months in this strange sort of purgatory, and she isn’t even allowed to talk about it.

She’s finished the competition, she’s won four challenges, and she wishes she could convince herself she’s done more than enough to win and enjoy the next few months. After that her life is only going to get crazier. But there’s no excitement now - just that constant nagging worry. That she’s fucked it all up again, and this time there won’t be any more chances to get the crown.

The last few weeks, the stress has felt even harder to take. It’s probably BOTS that’s doing it – it would be too much of a coincidence if it wasn’t. But Alaska isn’t sure if it’s the travel and fucked up sleep schedule that goes along with it that’s messing with her head, or being so far away from her family. Or being stuck in the close quarters of touring, close enough to Katya and Michelle and Adore and Phi Phi to be claustrophobic, so she can’t ever forget what’s hanging over her head. But still being too afraid to talk about it with anybody, not now, after she’s learned her lesson the hard way. Being horny all the fucking time, but not wanting a casual hookup with someone who’s more interested in hearing gossip about their favourite queens than they are in actually having sex with Justin Honard. And still being nowhere near ready for anything more permanent, even if it didn’t mean having to sort through dozens of Drag Race chasers to find it. Having to go to work and keep it together around Sharon and her fiancé on days when she really misses Sharon. Having to keep it together around Sharon and her fiancé when she misses Jeremy, and it stings to be reminded how Sharon has landed on her feet and found love again and here Alaska is, stuck in the same hole that she helped dig for herself again.

And it doesn’t help that she has to go perform and smile at hundreds of people every day and pretend All Stars never happened. She feels like she’s living at the bottom of a very steep mountain. Everything might seem peaceful most of the time, but she knows an avalanche could come crashing down to crush her any moment. And every rational part of her knows that things with Jeremy couldn’t have stayed good for long, not with what he was willing to try and do to her. But she still wakes up alone sometimes and misses him, feels a little spark of anger at herself for driving him away.

She’s had to keep her head down and smile and perform her ass off in the middle of all this. She knows she hasn’t done badly, given the circumstances. That doesn’t make her feel better. She could choke it all down easier if she knew she deserved it.

She’s just finished detaching the last pieces of hair from her head when she hears someone rapping on the door of her room. Alaska groans. It’s going to be Adore in a clingy mood, or Michelle getting stressed about logistics and wanting to spread the anxiety around. She waits a moment and they knock again. She’s going to have to pretend to be happy to see them. She gets up slowly, knees aching from the show, and glues on a smile as she trudges to the door.

She opens it and there’s Sharon, full face still on, wearing a fluffy bathrobe and travel slippers and nothing else, smiling far too brightly for this time of night.

“You’re awake,” Sharon exclaims. “Hi, Alaska!” Alaska steps back to let her in before she can think better of it, and Sharon steps forward eagerly to hug her, oblivious to the startled look that has to be on Alaska’s face. “Hi, Noodles,” she mutters into Sharon’s neck. “Why are you here?” “Why not?” she chirps, squeezing Alaska affectionately. Sharon hugs with her whole body, just like always, and Alaska doesn’t pull away even when every sensible part of her wants to.

Sharon’s makeup is still uncannily perfect, all thick dark lashes and deep red lips and softly glowing highlight. “It’s concrete,” she likes to tell people, “I can pass out in it for hours and it’ll be fine. Once the powder’s on, it’s not moving.” Alaska has always been terribly jealous, and she can’t manage to draw her eyes away. Sharon is warm and solid against her, still familiar and comforting in her arms after all this time, and Alaska’s leaning in closer against her before she can stop herself.

Then Sharon leans up to plant a soft little kiss on Alaska’s jaw, smiling and tucking her head under her chin. “Hi, Lasky.”

“Hi again,” Alaska says, forcing herself to step back a little and put Sharon at arm’s length. “Where’s Chad?”

“Sleeping. Think I wore him out. He didn’t want to go again.” She laughs and runs the tips of her nails along Alaska’s arm, sending a little shiver down her spine. Alaska takes a step back, embarrassed by her own body’s reaction. Sharon pouts and flutters her eyelashes. “Aw, Lasky. I haven’t been seeing enough of you lately. I miss you.”

“But I see you every dayyyy,” Alaska drawls, heartbeat quickening. Sharon giggles and rests her head on her shoulder. “But we’re so busy, Lasky! We have to do eight shows a day. In three different countries. I miss spending time with you.” 

She smells like smoke and vanilla and musk and her hair feels so soft on Alaska’s shoulder, but Alaska can’t miss the beads of sweat on Sharon’s forehead or the tremor of her hands. She can’t fool herself into believing this means anything. Or that this is really where Sharon wants to be. Tomorrow, Sharon will have come down, and she’ll have a bad headache, and probably not leave Chad’s side all day, and she’ll apologize to Alaska for bothering her so late at night.

“You’re a beautiful single lady, Alaska,” Sharon says, dilated pupils darkening her eyes. “Thought you might be out this time of night. Swimming in Austrian trade. Jinkx and Kenny said they were going out. You didn’t want to go with them? If-”

“I didn’t want to go out,” Alaska manages to interject, knowing she sounds more agitated than she should. “I’m tired! Strange men are work. I’m not going to stay away from Chipotle for five days in case I find one. And I don’t fucking trust them! I don’t need that when I’m working. Unless Grindr’s going to give me sponsorship money.”

Sharon squeezes her around the waist sympathetically. “You’ve been so busy this year. Of course you don’t have time for Grindr bullshit, poor Lasky. If I didn’t have dick on demand I don’t know what I’d do.” “Thanks for remiiiinding me,” Alaska whines. “I can’t keep a man, and all I can get are these fuckers who can’t stay hard and just want me to introduce them to Bianca Del Rio.”

Sharon laughs, so Alaska does too. “You could always let me make you feel better,” Sharon purrs, stroking her arm gently with smooth acrylic nails. She leans up and closer and her lips brush Alaska’s cheek – playfully, softly.

“Aw, Noodles. You’re sweet,” Alaska says, voice not quite steady. Sharon’s painted-on eyebrows raise a little, like they always had when she was a little nervous, and she smiles like she might be joking before she starts to talk again. “Already got fucked once tonight. Or maybe you’re tired and we could just find some bad German TV to watch. But I could go again.”

Alaska knows Sharon isn’t really joking, and she doesn’t think she has the self-discipline to say no. She never has before, but she can’t kid herself about this meaning anything. Sharon is coked up and wants to get off, and Alaska happens to be the nearest convenient option. She probably feels bad for Alaska after what happened with Jeremy, and she’s decided to cheer Alaska up by offering a pity fuck, because that’s the kind of thing that makes sense to Sharon at this time of night.

Alaska can’t get her voice to work for a few long moments, and Sharon’s face falls. “You don’t want to? I thought maybe… sorry. Don’t worry. I can go.”

“Shut up. C’mere.” Alaska’s answering before she can think, stepping forward to wrap her arms around Sharon. Whatever willpower she could have had had vanished as soon as Sharon’s lips had touched her.

Her heart melts as Sharon steps into her embrace, giggling and wriggly and kissing her neck. Sharon has filled out in the last few years, solid and cuddly in places where there used to be bones, but her body still settles so naturally into Alaska’s arms. She wants to keep Sharon here. If she was the person she tries to pretend to be, she wouldn’t be happy to see Sharon come here like this. She’d take her back to her hotel room and put her to bed and make sure her fiancé was there to keep an eye on her.

“You’re so cute,” Alaska tells her, and leans forward to kiss her forehead. She knows what Sharon is going to be like tomorrow morning, irritable and sad with a pounding head, but they might as well have some fun while they can. She’s lost too much sleep worrying about Sharon’s health over the years and it’s not like it’s changed anything.

“Are you going to tell Chad?” she asks. “I dunno.” She giggles and reaches out to play with Alaska’s necklace, little charms spelling out H-I-E-E-E jingling between her fingers. “Maybe. The sex is amazing when he gets a little jealous.” Alaska never seems to learn not to ask questions she doesn’t really want to hear the answers to.

If Chad gets jealous and spends the rest of the tour sulking and isn’t there when all the girls want help getting their corsets done up, everybody’s going to be pissed off at Alaska. Because she’s the one people expect to know better than this. Michelle, especially. And she does know better. Everybody getting mad at Alaska before All Stars even airs, that’s all she needs.

But having Sharon so close and so willing makes her want to forget all her sensible misgivings. Sex with Sharon never felt like a bad idea for Alaska, even when it probably was. They feel right together. Of course she remembers all the tears and vomit and self-hatred that had taken over both of their lives near the end. But so much of her has never stopped aching for this, missing having this with Sharon.

“Fine,” she tells Sharon, rolling her eyes a little, pretending Sharon’s had to wear her down. She lets Sharon’s hands travel down the buttons of her shirt and slip it off her shoulders.

Sharon’s eyes light up as she looks up and down Alaska’s body. “You look so good. So healthy.” She runs her hand over Alaska’s bicep and squeezes gently. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Alaska says, glancing down. She knows she looks a lot healthier than she did a few years ago – even when she’s spent the last few weeks feeling like shit from stress, it’s nothing like things used to be. Sure, she does yoga and drinks a lot of water and usually gets more than five hours of sleep a night these days, but she wishes things were going as well as Sharon seems to think.

She isn’t sure how much Sharon knows about the ups and downs she’s had with drinking since they broke up. She tries to make sure her colleagues never see her drunk. She wants to be as professional and composed as she can, and she doesn’t want to disappoint Michelle. She isn’t sure the drinking was the real problem, but she can’t blame anyone who knew her then for thinking so, especially not Sharon.

“You gonna just stand there?” Sharon asks, starting to slip her robe off her shoulders. She peels it off and steps forward to kiss Alaska deeply, hands wandering down to undo her fly. Alaska moans happily into the kiss, hands stroking over the warm skin of Sharon’s bare back. Their lips part and Sharon smiles, shifting forward to grind against Alaska’s thigh.

“Want something?,” Alaska grins, stepping back to force Sharon to move back into her. “Want you to fuck me,” Sharon moans.

“Such a way with words,” she teases, pulling back and reaching down to slip out of her jeans and boxers properly. Sharon’s half hard just watching her. Alaska knows what Sharon’s like on cocaine, needy and hypersexual and desperate to have something inside her, and she knows she can get what she wants from her.

Sharon’s hair and lips and cheeks are all sleek and soft now, different from how Alaska pictures them when she closes her eyes. There’s a little bit of softness around her middle that was never there when they were together, new ink on her arms and back and sides, that matching Death Becomes Her tattoo she got with Chad. She doesn’t look all that much like she used to, but she looks good and she doesn’t look a damn thing like Jeremy.

“Bend over that,” she orders Sharon, gesturing to the nightstand.

“Yes, sir,” Sharon smirks, stepping in the opposite direction first to grab one of Alaska’s pillows off the bed. She steps back to the nightstand and puts it on top so she can lean on it. “Princess,” Alaska teases. Her cock twitches as she watches Sharon bend over and wait for her. Alaska stays where she is for a few seconds to make her wait, then strides over to stand behind her. She rests a hand firmly on Sharon’s hip and stays there for a few moments, long enough for Sharon to start to get frustrated and lean into her touch.

“Slut,” she teases, cupping Sharon’s ass with both hands. She lets her nails press into the flesh a little, then pulls her hand back to give her ass a sharp little smack, louder than it is painful. Sharon draws in a surprised little gasp. Alaska waits for her to relax again, then spanks her harder, enough to sting a fair bit.

Sharon squeals and squirms away instinctively, then dissolves into giggles. “Sharonnnn. People are trying to sleep,” Alaska chides. She slips her arm around Sharon to place her hand over her mouth, gently but firmly. “Be good.” Sharon is still laughing, muffled against her hand, and cheerfully lets Alaska pull her in closer. “Do you think you can be quiet enough? I don’t have anything to gag you with.” Sharon nods, eyes creasing happily. “Good girl. We’ll make it work.” She releases Sharon’s face from her grasp, laughing at the smear of lipstick on her palm. She wipes it off on Sharon’s thigh. “I could bite down on a sock,” Sharon giggles. “But I’ve lost every good pair I’ve got on this fucking tour!”

“Me too,” Alaska grimaces. She runs her finger gently over Sharon’s plump lips. “Or I’d have shoved one in your mouth by now. It’d be nice to have some quiet.” They both laugh, and Alaska gives Sharon an affectionate squeeze. “Tell your Twitter followers to bring socks to the meet and greet. I wasn’t done with you. Bend over.”

Sharon obeys, and Alaska gives her a few more hard smacks on the ass, watching the soft flesh shake. Her pale skin is flushing pink and glowing warm under Alaska’s hand. Alaska pauses and rakes her acrylic nails hard over the top of her thigh where her pads would end, and Sharon steps to the side, startled. “Fuck!” she exclaims. “Keep still,” Alaska chides. “You’re the one who clawed me, you fucking bitch,” Sharon giggles.

“That’s enough of your mouth,” Alaska drawls. “Stay where you are. I’ve got something to show you.” Sharon does, listening the first time for once, and Alaska walks over to her luggage to pull a hairbrush out of her travel bag. “What are you doing?” Sharon asks, craning her neck to look behind her. 

“This,” Alaska says, stepping forward and spanking her hard with the back of the brush. Sharon gasps and whimpers between her teeth as Alaska smacks her again. “You need to learn to keep still when I tell you. Are you this much of a pain in the ass for Chad?”

Sharon doesn’t answer, probably because Alaska’s slipped her hand between her legs to gently stroke the base of her cock. “Please,” Sharon moans, arching her back and trying to grind into Alaska. 

Alaska hits her harder with the brush and Sharon yelps. “Ouch! Alaska, that hurt.”

“You said please!” Alaska smirks. “That wasn’t what you were asking for?”

“Come on. Fuck me,” Sharon whines, legs squirming in frustration.

“Dick pig.” She gives Sharon one more swat with the brush for good measure, laughing, and walks away to put it back in her bag, grasping in the side pocket for a condom and a travel-sized packet of lube. She looks over her shoulder just to make sure Sharon isn’t laughing at her fumbling in the bag. She’s still bent over the nightstand catching her breath, and Alaska hurries back over and puts a firm hand on her back. Alaska doesn’t want to slow down. She can’t let Sharon decide Alaska’s wasting her time.

She used to feel so comfortable with Sharon, even when she didn’t quite know what she was doing. When they’d met, Alaska had all kinds of fantasies that sounded good in her head, but not a lot of real-world experience with most of them, and Sharon never made her feel stupid or laughed at anything she wanted to try. Her confidence was contagious. She’d happily, patiently talk Alaska through things she’d never felt brave enough to try before. Alaska misses that, but she’ll have to take what she can now.

Sharon lets out a little whine as Alaska gently parts her ass cheeks and gently strokes a fingertip over her hole. She moans in frustration as Alaska pulls her hand away to get the lube, then starts to stroke her again with a feathery light touch, just enough to make her a little crazy.

“Be patient,” Alaska teases, circling Sharon’s rim with a single lubed finger. She laughs as Sharon’s hand raises off the nightstand to flip her off. “When did I say I was going to be nice to you?”

She pushes two fingers into Sharon, gliding into soft warmth after slight resistance, and Alaska hears the sharp intake of breath through Sharon’s teeth. She’s still tender from before, Alaska realizes. Her stomach twists painfully when she thinks about that, but her cock is throbbing desperately. Sharon is still lubed and open enough that Alaska could probably enter her in one motion without much trouble if she wanted, but she doesn’t trust Sharon to be careful with herself and let her know if it hurts. She’s going to be responsible and not go as fast as she might like. Even though she just wants to fuck Sharon so hard she’ll forget about everything else she’s done that night.

Sharon moans and winces when Alaska slides four fingers inside her. Alaska stops moving to let her adjust, gently stroking her side with her other hand. She feels Sharon’s muscles relax a little and starts to move her hand slightly, slowly feeling her open up more. “Like that, don’t you?” she teases. “Bet you’d fuck yourself on my whole hand if I let you.” “Think you’re that special? Good for you,” Sharon pants through her teeth, smile returning.

Alaska remembers how much she used to enjoy fisting Sharon. She’d been thinking about it for a long time before she got the courage to actually ask Sharon – she’d felt selfish for asking, she’d been terrified that she’d end up hurting her. Sharon had promised she wouldn’t let that happen; she’d talk Alaska through it and make sure it was good for both of them, and she’d been right. Alaska still thinks back fondly sometimes of the intimacy and tenderness they’d shared trying things like that, and it stings to hear that brushed off. But Sharon had trusted her unconditionally then, and Alaska would never expect to have that now. She puts the condom on and lines herself up, head of her cock resting bluntly for a moment against Sharon’s hole, then rocks her hips forward.

Sharon hisses through her teeth as Alaska enters her smoothly. She’s warm and tighter than Alaska had expected, clenching reflexively around her, and it takes self-discipline for Alaska to stop moving and wait for Sharon to relax a little more. Sharon’s eyes are tightly closed as her head rests pillowed on her arms and she tries to breathe. Alaska reaches forward to stroke her cheek, watches her smile a little. Her breathing gets deeper and her eyes open again, and Alaska starts to move, slowly and gently at first. Once she can bury herself all the way inside without resistance, she speeds up just a little, reaching around to give Sharon’s cock a couple of teasing little strokes. Sharon moans happily as Alaska fucks her smoothly, starting to arch her hips back onto Alaska.

She’s always loved the way Sharon takes it. Alaska knows she’s big, and she’s used to people she’s been with loving the idea of her dick but then having to admit they couldn’t really handle it. Sharon had been the opposite, giving her fair warning that she wasn’t sure bottoming for Alaska was going to work for her but then not being able to get enough once they’d actually tried. It did a lot for Alaska’s ego, and Sharon knew it.

“Harder. I can take it.” Sharon gasps for air between words as Alaska thrusts in again, muscles spasming and squeezing tight around Alaska’s cock. “Make me feel it tomorrow, Lasky.”

“You asked for it,” Alaska grins, grabbing Sharon’s shoulders for leverage. Sharon’s eyes roll back as Alaska buries herself deep inside, forcing her hips against the nightstand with every thrust. Sharon starts to arch her back and impale herself deeper onto Alaska, pushing against her movements, and a primal moan escapes Alaska’s lips. Sharon’s hands can’t hold her up any more, face buried in the pillow, and her perfect makeup smearing is the hottest thing Alaska’s seen in a long time.

“Justin,” she moans, trembling hand reaching out blindly, and Alaska pauses. “Don’t,” she snaps, but reaches out to entwine her fingers in Sharon’s anyway. She gives Sharon’s hand a little squeeze, then leans down to kiss the back of her shoulder. Just as Sharon smiles and relaxes, Alaska sinks her teeth into the skin, hard enough to draw a little blood.

Sharon screams, and Alaska covers her mouth with one hand and smacks her hard on the side of the hip. “Bad girl,” she whispers in Sharon’s ear, lowering her head to kiss the bite.

She stays there for a moment and then thrusts deeply into her, hard enough for her ass to smack against Alaska’s hip bones. Alaska feels the warmth of the sore pink skin against her body as she plunges into Sharon again and again, Sharon’s moans muffled by the hand on her mouth. She tries to bring her hand forward to touch herself, but Alaska just slaps her hand away and holds her tighter.

Alaska’s starting to lose herself in Sharon’s body, like slipping toward the edge of a cliff. She wraps her other hand around Sharon’s cock and starts to stroke her, slower and more deliberately than her own thrusts, not quite enough to let her go over the edge. Sharon whimpers into Alaska’s palm, her overstimulated body shuddering violently, clenching around Alaska.

Alaska feels the heat building in her lower abdomen, tight and irresistible, and before she knows it she’s coming, hips spasming against Sharon and arms slipping down, shivering hard through her orgasm until her body finally stills and she gathers herself.

Sharon gasps and winces as Alaska slides out of her, buckling forward against the nightstand. Alaska steps away for a moment to pull the condom off, then pulls Sharon up by the shoulders and pushes her back against the wall hard. Sharon’s legs are shaking and Alaska guides her hand back to the nightstand so she can hold herself up. She lowers herself to her knees in front of Sharon and guides her achingly hard cock into her mouth. She’s so close Alaska knows it’ll only take a moment. She hollows out her cheeks and runs her tongue along the underside, then brings her head forward and takes Sharon deep into her throat. Sharon gasps, hips trembling, and then she’s coming and Alaska is swallowing her down.

Sharon sinks down the wall when Alaska pulls back and releases her hips, leaning there in a silent little heap. Alaska pulls her up to standing and embraces her gently from behind. She’s still shaking a little as Alaska helps her step over to the bed and lie down on her side. “I got you, you’re good,” she tells Sharon softly, hand stroking gently up and down her spine, waiting for her panting breaths to slow down a little.

“Just relax. Close your eyes, Noodles. I’m just going to be gone for a second.” Alaska gets up to rummage through her travel bag and step into the washroom to dampen a towel.

“I’m just going to clean you up, okay?” she asks. Sharon nods, eyes half open. She hisses in pain and stiffens a little as the warm towel passes between her legs. Alaska wipes her clean carefully, softly passing over the sore tender flesh, calming hand stroking Sharon’s side gently.

She gently dabs at the bite on Sharon’s back with a damp cloth, feeling her wince a little as she cleans a trickle of blood off the bruised flesh. “You okay?” she asks softly, relieved when Sharon nods and smiles a little. She gently secures a bandage over the broken skin.

Even after everything that’s happened, sex with Sharon still feels easy and natural and right. It’s the aftermath, seeing Sharon like this curled up on the bed, vulnerable and soft in her arms, that still twists Alaska up. It’s too easy to miss their bedroom in Pittsburgh, how Cerrone would curl up at the foot of their bed, drag paraphernalia strewn about the room – too easy to get angry that Sharon’s never lost that, just found somebody else to take Alaska’s place.

“Stay here,” she tells Sharon softly. I’ll get you something to drink.” She stands up hurriedly and walks into the bathroom and turns the water on, hoping the noise of it will help her mind go blank again.

Sharon had promised Alaska so many times she’d always be there for her, and Alaska had always believed it, even when things got so ugly near the end. She’d let insecurity and substances and anger twist her into someone who horrified her to look back on, Sharon was supposed to be her rock. She thinks maybe she’d wanted to get back at Sharon for winning. Maybe it had felt easier to break things herself before Sharon decided on her own that Alaska wasn’t good enough.

Alaska pulls herself away from the sink and hurries back to the bed. She hands Sharon the glass of water and turns away, facing the window.

She knows she wanted to show Sharon how much she was hurting when she hadn’t known how to put that into words. She’d wanted to teach Sharon a lesson, maybe even ask her for help. Near the end their relationship had twisted her up into someone uncontrolled and violent and even cruel, but somehow she’d never expected it to drive Sharon away.

On their last day together, she remembers screaming at Sharon to hit her. She knew Sharon wanted to, she knew she deserved it. Sharon had screamed back that she wished she’d never trusted Alaska. That she should have known Alaska was lying when she told her she loved her. Alaska had seen red, and the next morning she’d woken up in a hotel room a few blocks from their house, head throbbing and bruises on her face, Sharon’s voice on the phone message, eerily calm, telling her they couldn’t be together any more.

Sharon sits up on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong, Lasky? Did I -”

“You were amazing,” Alaska interrupts, turning her face back away. “You did fantastic. Lie down.” Sharon leans reluctantly back against the pillows, concerned blue eyes peering up at Alaska. Alaska pulls the extra blanket at the foot of the bed over Sharon, tucking it under her chin. “Stay here for a few minutes. You’re going to get cold.”

“Lie down with me?” Sharon asks softly. Alaska can’t harden her heart enough to say no, and she folds herself down onto the bed next to Sharon, on top of the blanket, just close enough that she can feel like she’s helping keep Sharon warm. She fights to keep swallowing past the lump in her throat.

Sharon reaches out to stroke Alaska’s cheek and wraps her arms around her, snuggling into her chest. “It’s okay, sweetpea. I got you.”

She tries to find the words to reassure Sharon that nothing’s wrong, but they won’t come. Alaska buries her face in Sharon’s hair and breathes in the scent of her, sweet and warm and smoky. For a moment she has her Aaron back, but she has to force herself to open her eyes and let that go.

When everything seemed to be going so well with Jeremy, Alaska knows deep down it had scared her. Part of her heart had still been longing for a day when Sharon would come back to her, tell Alaska she forgave her for everything and just wanted to try to start fresh again.

“I’m sorry, Lasky, I shouldn’t have asked you, it wasn’t fair.” Sharon’s pupils are still dilated, tears coming to her eyes and Alaska doesn’t know what sort of emotional mess she’s going to steer herself into if Alaska doesn’t head it off quickly. “I had a great time,” she coos, petting Sharon’s hair. “It’s been a long tour. I’m just tired.” “You sure?”

“Of course. If I didn’t want to I’d just have told you to fuck off back to your room.” Sharon smiles, and Alaska is relieved she seems to believe it. She never feels like she has the power to say no to Sharon, whether she wants to or not, and things will only be okay between them as long as Sharon doesn’t know that.

“Poor Lasky,” Sharon coos. “You’ve been through so much shit this year.”

“It’s been hard,” Alaska admits, giving Sharon’s arm a squeeze. If she makes herself a little vulnerable, maybe Sharon won’t push more.

“Is there anything I can do?” Sharon asks, wrapping an arm around Alaska’s waist. Alaska’s head flashes back for a moment to them sitting together like this in Pittsburgh on the kitchen floor, trying to look away from the broken glass strewn around the room and convince themselves that they could turn this around.

“Nothing,” Alaska snaps, pulling away. “You didn’t do it, you don’t need to fix it.”

Sharon’s eyes widen a little in surprise and she steps back. “You’re upset,” she sighs, voice shaky. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“No,” Alaska blurts out, grabbing for Sharon’s wrist. “That’s not right. Stay here.”

“Okay,” Sharon says hesitantly, carefully putting her arm Alaska again. “I’ll stay if you want me to.” Alaska takes a deep shuddering breath and lets her chin rest on Sharon’s shoulder. “Sorry,” she tells her. “Don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.”

(You’re a fucking child, Sharon had sneered at her after she’d already been reduced to angry tears, and in the moment when Alaska lashed out it just felt like defending herself – fleeing the room in horror when she came back to herself, leaving Sharon on the floor sobbing.)

“You don’t have to know what’s wrong,” Sharon says, warm hand steady on the small of Alaska’s back. “You’ve been stressed about this whole All Stars circus for months and now you’re with a bunch of asshole queens who can’t shut the fuck up. Especially me. You’ve got a fucking excuse.”

“I guess,” Alaska sniffs. “It’s just… I’m stuck on a bus and everything reminds me of All Stars and it’s fucking with my head. Sorry. I’m a fucking downer lately.”

“You’re not some perfect drag android. That’s fine, Alaska.”

Sharon’s arm wraps around Alaska’s chest, warm body nestled against her back. “I’m too comfortable to move,” Sharon sighs. “Mind if you wait a little while to kick me out?”

“Of course. That’s fine. I’m not going to throw you out at two in the morning.” Alaska laces her fingers into Sharon’s. “Go to sleep. You can head back to your room whenever you’re up.” Sharon nods against her neck sleepily and closes her eyes.

Alaska stays as still as she can, waiting to hear Sharon’s breathing even out as she drifts off to sleep. She finally shuts her eyes reluctantly. If she sleeps too well she’ll have to wake up alone.


End file.
